“Other people had it worse.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“I should be over it by now.”
If these thoughts sound familiar, you’re not alone.
Many people minimize their own pain, often without realizing it.
On the outside, you might look “fine”—functioning at work, showing up for others, handling your responsibilities. Inside, you might feel anxious, empty, resentful, or exhausted.
Minimizing can seem like humility or perspective. But over time, it can quietly erode your sense of self and keep you from getting the care you deserve.
Why we learn to downplay our pain
Minimizing doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s often learned in relationships where:
Your feelings were ignored, mocked, or punished
You were told you were “too sensitive” or “dramatic”
Caregivers were overwhelmed, so you learned not to “add to their burden”
Only obvious, physical, or catastrophic events were taken seriously
In that environment, you might have survived by shrinking your needs: telling yourself it wasn’t a big deal, feeling guilty for being upset, or focusing on how others had it worse.
As an adult, those same internal messages may still be running:
“I shouldn’t be this upset.”
“I’m making a big deal out of nothing.”
“If I talk about this, I’ll be a burden.”
According to psychodynamic theory, these are not just random thoughts—they’re echoes of how your emotions were treated in the past.
The cost of always telling yourself “it’s not that bad”
On the surface, downplaying your experience can help you function.
You push through work, care for others, and keep things looking okay. But the costs often show up in quieter ways:
Chronic anxiety or irritability that doesn’t seem to match what’s happening
Depression or numbness, as if you’re watching your life rather than living it
Difficulty trusting your instincts, second-guessing yourself constantly
Staying in painful situations—relationships, jobs, dynamics—far longer than is healthy
Shame for struggling at all, because your brain keeps saying, “It’s not that bad”
Yet, when we repeatedly tell ourselves our pain doesn’t matter, we reinforce the belief that we don’t really matter either.
Therapists like Erin McMahon, LCSW at Integration Psychotherapy often see clients who arrive saying, “I don’t even know if I should be here; other people’s stories are so much worse than mine.” Yet once they feel safe enough to share, their experiences are deeply impactful—full of subtle, chronic hurts that absolutely deserve care and attention.
Emotional neglect and the “not-bad-enough” story
Many people associate trauma only with clear, extreme events. But emotional neglect—growing up without consistent emotional attunement—can be just as shaping.
You might have had food, shelter, and even moments of warmth, but:
No one asked what you were feeling in a real, sustained way
Your inner world was invisible, or only noticed when it caused problems
You had to handle big emotions alone, maybe comforting adults instead of being comforted
As an adult, this can turn into the belief that your inner experience is trivial unless it’s dramatic. Subtle hurts—disappointments, loneliness, dismissive comments—get minimized or brushed off, even as they pile up.
Psychodynamic therapy takes these quieter forms of pain seriously, recognizing that chronic emotional disconnection can leave deep imprints on how you relate to yourself and others.
How therapy works when you’re not sure you “deserve” it
If you tend to minimize your experience, starting therapy can feel awkward. You might feel the urge to:
Apologize for “wasting time”
Compare your story to others
Edit out the parts that feel “petty” or “small”
A grounded, trauma-informed therapist will understand this and won’t pressure you to perform a certain kind of pain. Instead, there’s room to:
Share as much or as little as you’re ready for
Notice when that minimizing voice shows up, without shaming it
Get curious: When did I learn that my pain doesn’t count?
At Integration Psychotherapy in Denver, Colorado , Erin’s approach is to co-create a relationship that feels safe and attuned enough for this exploration. The aim isn’t to convince you your life is terrible—it’s to honor the impact of what you’ve lived through, even if part of you keeps saying it wasn’t “bad enough.”
Moving from minimization to self-recognition
Over time, therapy can help you:
Name your experience. Putting words to what happened and how it felt helps your nervous system register that your reactions are understandable.
Validate your own feelings. Instead of asking “Is it really that bad?” you begin to ask, “What is this like for me? What do I need?”
Set clearer boundaries. When your inner experience matters, it becomes easier to say no to situations that hurt you.
Soften self-criticism. You may start to see that minimizing was a survival strategy—something you did to cope when you didn’t have other options.
This doesn’t mean getting stuck in the past or seeing yourself as a victim forever. It means allowing your full reality to be seen, so you can move forward in a way that’s grounded in truth rather than dismissal.
If part of you still wonders whether your struggles “count,” that part is welcome in therapy too. You don’t have to convince anyone that it was really that bad. You only have to be willing to explore what it’s been like to be you—and to consider that your pain is worthy of care, exactly as it is.
